Oh how I would love to be debt free.

My goal, dream, and hope is to one day be stable enough to live comfortably, own a home, and be debt free.

Owe no one!

And I will accomplish this.

Despite all the hurt. Despite the anger. Despite the pain. He is my best friend.  He knows me better than most.  We shared so much over the years. I went from childhood to adulthood with him.

I have tried living without him and it was more painful than a life with him. He can make me laugh like none other and he makes me cry like none other.

I always have a great time with him and we have so much in common. I know that despite everything, he is always just a phone call away. I also know that I can make that call at 3pm or 3am.

We banter easily. But we have two things that make a friendship like ours withstand everything. We have trust and we have love.  We trust and we love each other unconditionally.

While the cards that may have played are not the ones that I needed for a full house, I still think I hit the jackpot by having him in my life.

Dear sperm donor,

I am not sure what to say. You had one job and you failed miserably. You were suppose to be my father but instead you abandoned me and left me alone all these years. You missed birthdays, graduations, and holidays. You never called, sent a card, or reached out. You never said you loved me and you never were a father. Instead I grew up wondering why I was not good enough and why I didn’t have a father in my life. I grew up yearning fo a father-daughter relationship and then mourning for the relationship that would never be.  I have since forgiven you, not for you though but for me. I have moved on. I have a become a strong woman and have lived a wonderful life.  The memories that we will never share are not my loss but yours.  I am disappointed in the man you were never able to be.  So to you a say, you let me down by never being there to be that hero……so I found heroes in others. 

Signed,

The daughter you will never know

Another month of good times and good fun.

And sadly, a month without pictures.  At lease not any really good ones.

But still want to highlight some of the things that happened.

There was a lot of football watching of course. I am doing fairly well in Fantasy Football league but it is a lot to keep up with.  The Bulldawgs ended the season with a wing and we were able to become bowl eligible. Not a great bowl. But a bowl none the less.

One weekend was spent having brunch with the girls at Pappadeaux. Talk about yummy. Thier pancakes make you want to slap someone. I wish you could just go an order pancakes.  They have yummy chicken fingers also.

After brunch we attempted a task that I would not wish on anyone.  Not even my worse enemy. Amongst “The Girls” there are 8 children.  Someone decided that since everyone had children (those that want them since I don’t want them) finally, that it would be a great idea to take a group picture of all the children.  Well to take said pictures, the children would need coordinating outfits. So off to the mall we went to get 4 girl outfits and 4 boy outfits.  OMG!! Talk about mission impossible. There were color issues, and sizing issues, and pricing issues, and you name it issues.  After 5 hours, we finally had the girls outfits and 1/2 of the boys outfits. We were ex.haus.ted. to say the least. We walked up and down the mall and stores around the mall.  Who knew getting four outfits would be that complicated. Sheesh. Reason #1,552,550 why I am not having a child.

November also had a big holiday known as Thanksgiving.  I did not go home this year but spent Thanksgiving with the Rouses.  Talk about yummy.  Fried Turkey, great dressing, great mac and cheese, great ham and plenty of other side dishes. Oooh the dressing was so yummy. There was plenty of good dessert also and I even tried buttermilk pie for the first time. Tasty. My friend Jam’s mom sent a plate so I had plenty of leftovers.

The day after Thanksgiving I put up the Christmas tree and decorated the inside of the house.  Didn’t do any outside decoration besides the wreath this year because it was just to cold. I love Christmas and love putting up the Christmas tree and the smell of the cinnamon sticks. Earlier this year the boy toy (ha, boy toy) and I went shopping for the yearly ornaments.  Mine is a really cute snowman. I would take a picture right about now but that would require me getting off my lazy butt and walking to the tree.  Not happening.

So now the house is all decorated and it makes me happy. I love looking at the tree.

My great-aunt turned 80 the Monday after Thanksgiving and the family had a great big surprise party for her in Antigua. My attended and she flew out of Atlanta that weekend so I got to see her for a few hours. She came in about midnight on Saturday and she had to be at the airport at 5am so we basically just stayed up all night. I was so sleepy the next day.

On the work front we got some really good news and there was a lot of celebrating. It felt really good because it was something we had worked hard for and it was good to see our hard work pay off. We kicked some competitors butt and we rocked! It’s not often you get such accolades in my line of work.

All in all, November was a good month.  I know there were some other things such as some dinners, some movies, and some other stuff that I am probably forgetting but these were the highlights.

And December is already off to a great start.

October had my Mommy’s Birthday. Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you.  I didn’t get to go home but I was there in spirit!

RyRy came over and we watched football.  Nothing like watching football with a good friend.

Had lunch with Jam a couple of times this month – it was great to run things by him and just spend some QT.

We had spirit week at my job. For freestyle day out team did “Tiger Hoods (not Woods), his wife, and Elin).  My boss was Tiger Hoods, one coworker was his wife (she is holding the golf club), and the rest of us were the his hood jump-offs.

Don't hurt him Elin!

Hood Jump-off

The next day was Twin Day:

Twin Day

The month also included Ava’s First Birthday Party, it was a costume themed party:

The "Super" Family

A little Angel

The good Bishop Eddie Long

A Bulldawg family!!

The next weekend was Girls Night. It included lots of wine, tattoos, GA/FL game, laughing, tears, chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate cake, and a grilled cheese bar inspired by Oprah and Martha Stewart.

Black Widow

My friend Tosh got a southern black widow on her foot because she is bad like that.

Daughter's Name

B was a chicken and didn't really get a tattoo!

Wine

Silliness!

More wine and yummy grilled cheese sandwiches!

It was a great night (even though GA lost to FL). I love those girls!

Work was kicka$$. We found out we rocked in the JD Power and Associates and beat out some big players. Felt Great!!

And that is pretty much October in nutshell.  Now to get ready for the two busiest months of the year. Bring on the Holidays!

What can I say? You seem to always know what to say and have the words to express what I was feeling and what I was thinking. You sang about love, you sang about hurt, you sang about being a strong woman. When I needed advice you were there. When I felt alone, you were there as another woman to say that I am not alone. You helped me express my inner most thoughts. You showed me it was okay to a strong woman and yet still be feminine and caring. 

I have to say honestly though that it has become a little hard to listen to you lately. I know that I don’t have the right to judge and I know that we don’t know the entire story but at the same time, if it walks like a duck, and it quack likes a duck….well……

I am disappointed that you were with a married man, you became “the other woman”, you caused some other woman the same pain that you sing about. How could you? I know that you could have anyone that you want – why him?  Why her man? I know they say you can’t help who you fall in love with but you can help who you get close to so love doesn’t happen. It is called self-discipline. Maybe you have heard about it?

Musically, thanks for the songs, thanks for the strength, thanks for being there those long nights.  Thanks for understanding what it was like “sleeping with a broken heart”.  You provided understanding when I thought I was all alone.

So while I love you, your music, and what you “normally” represent, woman to woman, I don’t understand.

Regards,

A confused fan

NEXT!

Supposedly they are warm and welcoming.

Not that I really “know” him.

But what little bit I do know of him, I wish I didn’t.

He is a waste of space in my brain.

I have forgiven him for being a simple sperm donator. But the more I have gotten to know about him and the “man” that he is, I wish he was just an unknown in my world.

Sad, isn’t it.  However, not knowing each other is his lost as he is missing out on knowing that fabulous person I am.

Since I have moved to the US I have grown further apart from my friends and family in Antigua.

There is no real reason, when I first came to the states, computers, emails, and text messages were not popular.  The only real way to communicate was letters and phone calls. Phone calls to an island are super expensive so they didn’t happen often.

Overtime, I got busy, they got busy, and life happened. I don’t get to go home as often as I would like and when I do I feel disconnected from a lot of them.  They say jokingly that I have become “Americanized” and “I am too good for them” but I look into their eyes and see the true feelings behind the joke.  They ask me about what I do and the things I have and I hesitate to share. I have been blessed with an oppertunity that most of them will never have.  We have less in common now.

I wish I could just go back home and pick up the pieces and with them like I never left but it doesn’t work that way.

I miss that connection to my roots.

It makes me feel incomplete at times.

I miss them.